A friend in my mba coaching classes- let's call her P - called me yesterday. And the conversation revealed certain things I was completely unaware of before yesterday, and I blame me for it entirely.
I've never been close to P, guess I always thought of her as some1 whos plain boring :(. I've always been (thus far) a girl who's outgoing, friendly and all tat blaah and I am more comfy with people who are like me, who are a lil' bubbly, talkative and all that shit. So though P always usedta hang around with us, she always usedta be this nagging girl, cribbing all the time about her marks, about life in general. And I usedta be like - c'mon girl get a life we all score less wats the big deal dont be sucha wuss, why dya whimper all the bloody while and more such thoughts would run in my mind. I never told her in these many words whatever I felt, I cant do that, I can;t be rude. It's just that she usedta call me up and have long winding talks and I usedta get kinda bored with all the mba related stuff she had to say. I usedta get tired of pacifying her and saying things like dont worry babes ull crack ur exams and things like tat. Many times I usedta jus say somethin like hey am kinda busy can i give ya a call someother time? I did return her calls, but that was always half-heartedly. More like I gotta get it off my to-do list. I did call her myself on a few occasions (most times when I had doubts regarding the various mba form fillings - never otherwise). Basically work-related calls. Selfish calls. I feel so small a person when I think of all this I feel so shitty about me. She lost her only brother a fortnight ago. He had been bed-ridden for 4 years. I cant help fight tears as I right this but does my crying make me a better person? Why was I so self-involved? It never occured to me that something might be the reason behind that cribbing and whining. Not all of us have a protected childhood. We went to classes with her twice a week and yet didnt know she had a bed-ridden bro. How small can I be? How self-involved can one get? She was probably out there wanting to be talked to and I never did lend her my hand. I feel so small. So self-involved. So selfish. I wish I could undo this. I hate myself.
P.S. I didnt even have the guts to publish this earlier. Am tryin to make up for it, but howmuchever I try, the guilt is enormous and guess it shall always be.
9 comments:
Babe I know how you're feeling. I behave in the same manner you do; in fact I'm worse coz I don't even call that person back!
But there are some things you can't change or control. I mean if you don't like being with someone, what do you do?
There's no need for you to feel guilty. It's sad what happened to her, but it ain't your fault in any way.
its fine that you feel bad for it. not much you could have done... not much you can do now. it doesn't make a change... it never did!
R.I.P
pray for the 'younger brother'...
crasiezt ~ yaa I guess..I know it's not a fault fault, it's jus tat u realize one fine day, that you live a life that can get pretty much self-involved and u hate it..thanks for all the kind wurdz :)
drozzy ~ yeah..wat yu said soundsa wee bit cynical, but so true.
It's a way of life, dear. Everyone's first priority is themself, it's not a horrible thing. But having the ability to look back on yourself and realize that you could be a bit more concerned of other people makes you a better person that most people ever will be =)
Look at me and my posts. Does it ever seem like I care about what anyone else really seems to be thinking? I really respect your thoughts on this post~ Hang in there, you're a wonderful person!
heyyy
dont feel so bad
everything can be made up for if not corrected!
she needs u guys nw more than before...so make sure u are there fo her!
god bless u all!
thankz ppl for all the kind wurdz//..luv ya girlies mwah.
Life is...to keep learning!
ankur ~ yes learning it is, but looks like am dyslexic! :D
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