At Crossroads

It's that time in my life when decisions need to be made and decisions that would govern my life for at least a good few years if not less. Decisions that have been postponed till now but finally need to be made. Life happens only once and it is upto you to make the most of it - words like these are what keep giving my mind a voiceover frequently nowadays. I am not too fond of this decision making business. I like taking whatever life throws at me. I can't be planning for it. But then I realize it's not how it always works. By just whiling away time, thinking life will happen, take it's own course, I will be leading a very mediocre life. This is not what I had signed up for dude! I've got this one shot at life and I better make it good.

The problem is within. I have always been a lost soul. Aimless. Or rather someone whose goals change everyday. Sometimes I am the girl who just wants one thing in life and that is to give her mother alll the happiness in the world. Sometimes I wanna be a photographer, sometimes a journalist, a few days back I was speaking to my mother about giving it a shot at modelling. You know along with what am doing officially for my so-called career right now, try my hand at ramp walking. Many times I wanna be paid for travelling and clicking peoples' pictures. Then someday I feel that I should be working full time for a childrens ngo, and then again someday I wanna be minting enough money and become rich.

I probably sound like a 12 year old clueless kid. Actually I surely do. If only I were 12 year old. Even better - if only I were not SO bloody lost :( And the funniest thing..none of the above dreamt of things are connected to my studying management of business administration. I am gonna get my mba degree in 3 months time now, a post graduate degree for crying out loud! I cannot afford to be so lost.

The idea of working in the corporate world is so freaking bland if anything else! I mean how do so many people do it? I mean ok you get the money and all the glam but then ehhh..how? How do people pull it off so effortlessly. Everyday doing the same thing, working under some boss, tryinta impress him/her, frettin over promotions, salary hikes, reading those financial magazines, economic times, newspapers, keeping ahead of everyone in the mad mad rat race, multi-tasking, using heavy management jargon that makes you look important and every word you say worth a million bucks. How!? And how can you do it for decades!? I mean we spend a good 70% of our lives working and slogging out for some xyzee multinational, so how can I be expected to do all the above mentioned things and then still be HAPPY? Where does happiness figure in?

Somewhere I have lost the fire in my belly. The intensity is missing. The ambitious me is losing out. And it's all coz I am so friggin lost.

If I go along the trodden path, and work the way I work -kickass- I will surely end up being at the top by the time I am 40. 15 years is all I need to get up there, I know it. But I don't wanna end up being one of those top management guys who have it all at the age of 40 but still feel like they have wasted their 40 years of life running behind something they never even wanted forget dreamt of! I have age on my side now. So I gotta make a sound decision. So basically we come back to the decision making process. Which sucks big time. How can you decide these things? What do I wanna do? baaaaaaaaaaahh!! Whoever it is up there, please show me the way before its too late.